"it" just moved
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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