im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize