then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
