My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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