the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
party gras won. party gras always wins.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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