Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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