I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
