first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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