my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
