Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
