I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
