I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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