My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
