Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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