My first STD was from a foam party
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
