So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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