My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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