Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
