Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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