He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
