i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
