my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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