I think I won the penis lottery.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
