you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
