I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I want her autograph on my taint
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Found the puke drawer
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
