I accidentally burped into my bong.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Someone came in the potted fern
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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