i permit you to call me
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Randomize
