the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
