there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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