just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
