i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
