She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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