Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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