There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
