I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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