The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
