I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
