How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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