I'm so fucking centered right now
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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