I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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