the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sext me about skeletons
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
