I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
