I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
