I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
