I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
