She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
