I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize