Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
