I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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