I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
