this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
