Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
