fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
