Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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