I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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