Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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