She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i drank out of a bidet.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize