Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
