Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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