they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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