things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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